Boats Reported to Sail Through Ocean

boat raceIn an utterly precedented sequence of events, boat owners in Melbourne have found that their vessels are able to float in water and even be steered.

“Someone said to me recently…” says Harrison Sale, “They said ‘Have you heard about this new invention? It’s called a ‘boat’. And so I thought…I have one of those. Was never too sure what if was for, though. So I asked, and now I know!”

Boat mechanics from the Melbourne area have sprung up overnight, ready and willing to help people sail their new inventions, and early reports indicate that certain materials are more suited to floating than others.

“We’ve already tried building a boat made of stone,” says esteemed scientist Mary-Lou Bartholomew. “Yeah, it didn’t work. Looks like wood is the way to go, though we’re still trialling the process of sticking together lots of very small rocks.”

Boat owners have taken to the seas after the great discovery, with confused onlookers describing the sight of people floating on the water as ‘disconcerting’, amongst other reactions.

“But we can’t breathe water,” says confused mother of four Casey Gingham. “Why would you go out into the middle of it?”

“This will anger Poseidon,” says elderly coastal resident Jerry Captain. “Mark my words, it’ll bode nothing good. Mankind belong on the land. It’s just stirring up trouble, these new boats.”

Meanwhile, a thriving business in Melbourne repairing anchor winches has sprung up overnight, with onlookers describing their services as ‘necessary, probably’.

Clean Floors Considered a Hazard

floor cleaning

floor cleaningConcern has been raised over the cleanliness of Melbourne’s floors, after an international incident was barely avoided over the weekend.

Chairman Lasil Tigera, the country leader of Albajeria, had recently arrived in Melbourne for a selective meeting of world leaders. However, the lobby of his hotel had recently had its floor buffed, leading to the Chairman slipping and sliding the entire way across the room, only stopping after pitching headfirst through a pane of glass leading to the dining room.

“This was a terrible incident,” says local politician Sandra Reeves, who was charged with being the Chairman’s guide while he was in Melbourne. “Hilarious, but terrible. It appears that the tendency to call in Melbourne floor scrubbers has grown to greater proportions than is necessary.”

Other concerns have since been raised over the cleanliness of Melbourne’s floors, with many public places recommending a less thorough job be completed for fear of slippage.

“What’s wrong with a bit of dirt?” says shop owner Casey Carroll. “It stops people from sliding all over the place. I clean my floors on occasion, but not that much.”

However, Melbourne ride on floor scrubber technicians have struck back.

“Everyone appreciates a crystal clean floor,” says Crystal McLean, a conveniently named cleaner. “We’ll never give in. You all just need to stop wearing slippery shoes.”

Research Shows Socks the Key to Success

child

childAmerican sock sales have greatly increased after an influential article posted in renowned scientific journal Awesome Squared, which made the claim the people who wear socks and other types of comfortable footwear have a greater chance of success.

The paper, entitled Socks: Your Pathway to Fame and Fortune, was written after an intense fifteen year study. The process involved scientists observing groups of children who preferred to wear socks, and those who spent their time without shoes and socks. Participants were provided with mens business socks in order to properly determine their reaction to owning proper footwear. The scientists concluded that socks were a sure pathway to victory, with the socked group having much greater business success and forming relationships more easily.

“It’s obvious why this is,” says Hubert Weave, the head researcher on the project. “Kids who go barefoot are the ones who like to climb trees and play outside instead of doing homework. Naturally, this means their feet are dirtier and people don’t want to talk to them as much. Whereas sock wearers are encouraged to stay inside and focus on studies and interpersonal relationships.”

The research has been hailed as groundbreaking by the scientific community, and concerned parents are reportedly purchasing colorful mens socks in droves in an effort to give their children a greater chance at success at life.

Draconis Academy Electrical Problems Prevented

device

deviceThe electrical issues at the Draconis Academy have been solved, thanks to the timely intervention of a prototype device that siphons electricity and prevents accidents.

The device was being trialled at a laboratory located in South Yarra and is currently known as the Siphon 3000. After being hooked up to the main generator, the device detects dangerous spikes in electricity. It then siphons off that power and distributes it to the rest of the system.

The Siphon 3000 has been tested and appraised by South Yarra electricians, with positive results from all fronts.

“The device is very safe,” says Harrison Sparks, a more local electrician, “It’ll do what it’s supposed to. No doubt everyone in that building is safe now.”

When asked further about the device’s exact construction or origin, Sparks was reluctant to answer.

“The device is safe,” said Sparks. “The device is safe.”

Meanwhile, parents of children have been invited to come to the school to test the safety themselves, with Headmaster Vincent personally claiming that the new system was 100% safe.

“I’d like to personally thank the electricians who helped us with this task,” said Lampwick, “Our school is safe, and it’s all thanks to you.”

Meanwhile, electricians around the Dandenong and South Yarra areas have been bombarded with requests for the Siphon 3000, but claim to know little about its mass production.

QLD skip bins proven to be “mega popular”

rubbish removal

 

rubbish removal

rubbish removal in the city of Brisbane is “hugely popular these days”

Skip bins in Brisbane have caused local residents to proclaim a “skip bin fever” as the city heads into the winter rubbish removal season. The season is symbolised by the large increase in at-home rubbish removal attempts, and has seen a marked increase in private company removal services throughout the city.

According to reports, the change has largely been due to an increased awareness of private removal services by residents, as well as “a huge increase in the acceptance of both local and city government for filling a void that needed filling.”

James Carver, head of Brisbane’s City Council on rubbish stated that “we want the people of this city to be free to get rid of the rubbish that they want to get rid of. If that means that we as residents must look towards private enterprises, then it’s a change I am more than willing to embrace.”

Carver has spearheaded many similar campaigns to his constituents, talking about “a drastic shift towards higher quality rubbish removal in Brisbane, a change which can brought about by competition and good businesses doing good work.”

Many residents have praised the change as “visionary and revolutionary.” Local resident Jennifer Veils stated that “I could never get rid of all these old mattresses and bed frames before, but now I finally have a way, as well as a new excuse to do some more green gardening, since I have somewhere to put the waste.” Another change that has been praised is the introduction of local laws increasing the amount of time hard rubbish can be held on residential properties. “It’s just further increasing our ties with professional removalists, who we can schedule to meet our own busy schedules and not have to worry.”

African Soap Leads to Health Scare

soap

soapResidents of Melbourne are recovering from shock as a health scare swept the city that left some believing they had caught a rare African cold.

The illness was supposedly spread by a shipment of soap from Kenya, which was in high demand due to its supposed scouring properties, along with its enticing scent that has been described as ‘sort of like lavender, but even more lovely’.

However, bacteria is suspected to have become mingled with the latest shipment, causing many to experience rashes, sneezing and a number of varied symptoms. Rumours quickly spread that the product had been carrying the dreaded African Cold, which is reputed to strike down its victims with itchy eyes and a drowsiness for up to two weeks.

“All my efforts at influenza prevention were worthless,” says Sophie Sofia, who was afflicted with the illness after purchasing the soap at an outdoor market. “I have an important job as deputy sub-manager of a small hair drying firm. Drowsiness will affect my productivity.”

However, it was later discovered that the bacteria was entirely different and mostly harmless, instead more closely resembling a Peruvian flu that ran rampant in a number of communities last year. However, this illness only tends to last an average of a week-and-a-half, which sufferers of the soap illness have described as ‘a great relief’.

“It’s the half week that makes all the difference,” says Mary-Lou Marrison. “Honestly, it’s a lot of fuss about soap. I already had my flu immunisation ages ago, but I’m still feeling drowsy. Maybe I just haven’t been sleeping well.”

Stray Dogs Invade Encyclopedia Fair

stray dogs

stray dogsThe World Encyclopedia Fair has been placed on an indefinite hiatus after a surprise attack by large trucks full of stray dogs.

The Fair, held to celebrate the collection of human knowledge into heavy, hardback form, has been held annually in Adelaide for nearly a century. The latest gathering was the stage for a long-anticipated debate on whether Wikipedia should be considered as part of the encyclopedia family, but this was brutally cut short by the arrival of several dog-laden trucks. Commandeered from several reputable pounds and dog shelters in the nearby area, the attack is believed to have been carried out by online encyclopedia enthusiasts. The attack involved unleashing scores of excited dogs upon the bookish crowd, at which point they began to run in ecstatic patterns, lick nearby humans and generally cause innocent havoc.

“They shouldn’t have had those trucks in the first place,” says Ricky Grimm, an Adelaide tow truck driver with an enthusiasm for encyclopedias. “You need to be a certified towing operator to drive a vehicle of that calibre. It’s just a good thing that the dogs weren’t hurt.”

Despite the harmless nature of most of the dogs, the entire fair has been placed on hiatus as the matter is investigated by police.

“Whoever it was just drove trucks right into the fair,” says Gregory Yale, one of the event organisers. “It was terrifying. Great big monster trucks, full of stray dogs. They could’ve had any kind of illnesses The Encyclopedia Fair is ruined.”

Meanwhile, official Adelaide towing services have been called in to remove the intruding trucks, and animal services are looking at rounding up the last of the dogs.

 

Balustrading Apprentice Takes Tumble

basement-web

basement-webA steel apprentice has reportedly been involved in a near-fatal accident in the lower levels of the Draconis Academy of Higher Education, as attempts to renovate the space continue to be met with failure.

The incident took place as the apprentice was instructed to enter the lower levels. A remnant from when Draconis was the Old Keymore Mansion, despite the heavy renovations to the rest of the school and grounds the basement has been left relatively untouched. Recent attempts to make improvements have reportedly been met with failure, with building inspectors describing the maze of decrepit rooms as ‘a nightmare to navigate’.

The steeling apprentice was attempting to install stainless steel handrails on the steps leading downwards when he tripped over a stray step and tumbled down the stairs; the floorboards weren’t enough to hold the sudden weight, sending him down into the antechamber. He emerged several hours later, mostly unharmed but with a few serious splinters.

“This could’ve been so much worse,” says headmaster Vincent Lampwick, “We’re just glad there were no serious injuries. No matter how hard we try, that underground space remains as dangerous as ever.”

Without a proper balustrading system, no further work can be completed as the staircase has been deemed too unsafe. However, there have also been reports of a number of students entering the basement for fun and challenges, despite the space being strictly out of bounds.

Melbourne balustrading is a tricky business at the best of times,” says Lampwick, “Though I’m hopeful we’ll find a solution.”

Moles Threaten Brisbane Community

mole

moleA Brisbane community has been forced to evacuate after the discovery of a plague of rare, Australian Rideback Moles.

Long thought to have migrated North, the residents of Leovale were evacuated from their homes late last night after a seismic inspection was carried out on the ground, revealing that the creatures had been burrowing tunnels underneath for year, creating a highly unstable surface. The first sign of trouble came when Brisbane asphalt repairs had to be carried out on a regular basis, as parts of the road would become damaged seemingly for no reason.

“We were out here pretty much every day,” says Dale Robinson, asphalt layer. “Either a car would just sink into the road, or there would be cracks for no reason at all. I’ve never seen bitumen damage like it.”

The cause of the problem eventually became clear when a seismology test was carried out across Leovale, revealing the vast network of mole tunnels. After several of the moles were apprehended, residents were moved out of the suburb while proper tests are conducted to locate the source of the nest.

“There were signs, maybe,” says Leovale resident Maddison Duckworth, “Sometimes, when I was walking the dogs they’d bark at the ground and chase things I couldn’t see. They could probably smell the moles when they got too close to the surface.”

The previous incident involving the Ridgeback Mole was in the town of Nilmsworth, in rural Queensland. The entire town is now sunken into the ground.

Bitumen is Brisbane is generally stronger,” says Robinson, “So the community will stay aloft for longer. Hopefully long enough for us to catch all the moles and fill in the foundations.”

Winery tour ends in success after bachelor party

wine tours
wine tours

The winery tour was successful, according to bachelor Jason Merryman

A local bachelor party has “capped off the weekend” with a day-long winery tour in Victoria’s Bellarine peninsula, according to reports. The bachelor in question, Jason Merryman, stated his intention to friends that he wanted “an old-school bachelor party, full of high class alcohol, even a winery tour at the end of it.” The friends did not disappoint Merryman, who according to close sources “was more than happy with the weekend in general.”

“I was more than happy with the weekend in general,” stated Merryman in a press conference issued by his fiance Monday morning. “I was lucky enough to see the sights and tastes of Victoria through the best wine tour Bellarine peninsula has to offer, and I’m more than lucky to have it end my bachelorhood.” Merryman’s fiance, interior decorator Samantha Borden, was seen “indulging in homemade wine with friends,” on the day in question, choosing to “stay home with close friends as her bachelorette party.”

Party crews have been some of the more popular guests for local winery tours in Victoria, making up more than a quarter of all guests in 2013. “People are starting to see the elegance and sophistication of a wine tour as a good thing,” stated party planner Helen McCarthy. “This has translated to more and more bachelor parties, as well as regular partie,s move away from the typical bar and towards a high class wine tour, which showcases the surrounding area as well as local cellar doors.”

In a statement late yesterday, Merryman reiterated his feelings towards the “successful wine tour,” and stated his intention for he and his “future wife” to visit in the future.