QLD skip bins proven to be “mega popular”

rubbish removal


rubbish removal

rubbish removal in the city of Brisbane is “hugely popular these days”

Skip bins in Brisbane have caused local residents to proclaim a “skip bin fever” as the city heads into the winter rubbish removal season. The season is symbolised by the large increase in at-home rubbish removal attempts, and has seen a marked increase in private company removal services throughout the city.

According to reports, the change has largely been due to an increased awareness of private removal services by residents, as well as “a huge increase in the acceptance of both local and city government for filling a void that needed filling.”

James Carver, head of Brisbane’s City Council on rubbish stated that “we want the people of this city to be free to get rid of the rubbish that they want to get rid of. If that means that we as residents must look towards private enterprises, then it’s a change I am more than willing to embrace.”

Carver has spearheaded many similar campaigns to his constituents, talking about “a drastic shift towards higher quality rubbish removal in Brisbane, a change which can brought about by competition and good businesses doing good work.”

Many residents have praised the change as “visionary and revolutionary.” Local resident Jennifer Veils stated that “I could never get rid of all these old mattresses and bed frames before, but now I finally have a way, as well as a new excuse to do some more green gardening, since I have somewhere to put the waste.” Another change that has been praised is the introduction of local laws increasing the amount of time hard rubbish can be held on residential properties. “It’s just further increasing our ties with professional removalists, who we can schedule to meet our own busy schedules and not have to worry.”

African Soap Leads to Health Scare


soapResidents of Melbourne are recovering from shock as a health scare swept the city that left some believing they had caught a rare African cold.

The illness was supposedly spread by a shipment of soap from Kenya, which was in high demand due to its supposed scouring properties, along with its enticing scent that has been described as ‘sort of like lavender, but even more lovely’.

However, bacteria is suspected to have become mingled with the latest shipment, causing many to experience rashes, sneezing and a number of varied symptoms. Rumours quickly spread that the product had been carrying the dreaded African Cold, which is reputed to strike down its victims with itchy eyes and a drowsiness for up to two weeks.

“All my efforts at influenza prevention were worthless,” says Sophie Sofia, who was afflicted with the illness after purchasing the soap at an outdoor market. “I have an important job as deputy sub-manager of a small hair drying firm. Drowsiness will affect my productivity.”

However, it was later discovered that the bacteria was entirely different and mostly harmless, instead more closely resembling a Peruvian flu that ran rampant in a number of communities last year. However, this illness only tends to last an average of a week-and-a-half, which sufferers of the soap illness have described as ‘a great relief’.

“It’s the half week that makes all the difference,” says Mary-Lou Marrison. “Honestly, it’s a lot of fuss about soap. I already had my flu immunisation ages ago, but I’m still feeling drowsy. Maybe I just haven’t been sleeping well.”

Stray Dogs Invade Encyclopedia Fair

stray dogs

stray dogsThe World Encyclopedia Fair has been placed on an indefinite hiatus after a surprise attack by large trucks full of stray dogs.

The Fair, held to celebrate the collection of human knowledge into heavy, hardback form, has been held annually in Adelaide for nearly a century. The latest gathering was the stage for a long-anticipated debate on whether Wikipedia should be considered as part of the encyclopedia family, but this was brutally cut short by the arrival of several dog-laden trucks. Commandeered from several reputable pounds and dog shelters in the nearby area, the attack is believed to have been carried out by online encyclopedia enthusiasts. The attack involved unleashing scores of excited dogs upon the bookish crowd, at which point they began to run in ecstatic patterns, lick nearby humans and generally cause innocent havoc.

“They shouldn’t have had those trucks in the first place,” says Ricky Grimm, an Adelaide tow truck driver with an enthusiasm for encyclopedias. “You need to be a certified towing operator to drive a vehicle of that calibre. It’s just a good thing that the dogs weren’t hurt.”

Despite the harmless nature of most of the dogs, the entire fair has been placed on hiatus as the matter is investigated by police.

“Whoever it was just drove trucks right into the fair,” says Gregory Yale, one of the event organisers. “It was terrifying. Great big monster trucks, full of stray dogs. They could’ve had any kind of illnesses The Encyclopedia Fair is ruined.”

Meanwhile, official Adelaide towing services have been called in to remove the intruding trucks, and animal services are looking at rounding up the last of the dogs.


Balustrading Apprentice Takes Tumble


basement-webA steel apprentice has reportedly been involved in a near-fatal accident in the lower levels of the Draconis Academy of Higher Education, as attempts to renovate the space continue to be met with failure.

The incident took place as the apprentice was instructed to enter the lower levels. A remnant from when Draconis was the Old Keymore Mansion, despite the heavy renovations to the rest of the school and grounds the basement has been left relatively untouched. Recent attempts to make improvements have reportedly been met with failure, with building inspectors describing the maze of decrepit rooms as ‘a nightmare to navigate’.

The steeling apprentice was attempting to install stainless steel handrails on the steps leading downwards when he tripped over a stray step and tumbled down the stairs; the floorboards weren’t enough to hold the sudden weight, sending him down into the antechamber. He emerged several hours later, mostly unharmed but with a few serious splinters.

“This could’ve been so much worse,” says headmaster Vincent Lampwick, “We’re just glad there were no serious injuries. No matter how hard we try, that underground space remains as dangerous as ever.”

Without a proper balustrading system, no further work can be completed as the staircase has been deemed too unsafe. However, there have also been reports of a number of students entering the basement for fun and challenges, despite the space being strictly out of bounds.

Melbourne balustrading is a tricky business at the best of times,” says Lampwick, “Though I’m hopeful we’ll find a solution.”

Moles Threaten Brisbane Community


moleA Brisbane community has been forced to evacuate after the discovery of a plague of rare, Australian Rideback Moles.

Long thought to have migrated North, the residents of Leovale were evacuated from their homes late last night after a seismic inspection was carried out on the ground, revealing that the creatures had been burrowing tunnels underneath for year, creating a highly unstable surface. The first sign of trouble came when Brisbane asphalt repairs had to be carried out on a regular basis, as parts of the road would become damaged seemingly for no reason.

“We were out here pretty much every day,” says Dale Robinson, asphalt layer. “Either a car would just sink into the road, or there would be cracks for no reason at all. I’ve never seen bitumen damage like it.”

The cause of the problem eventually became clear when a seismology test was carried out across Leovale, revealing the vast network of mole tunnels. After several of the moles were apprehended, residents were moved out of the suburb while proper tests are conducted to locate the source of the nest.

“There were signs, maybe,” says Leovale resident Maddison Duckworth, “Sometimes, when I was walking the dogs they’d bark at the ground and chase things I couldn’t see. They could probably smell the moles when they got too close to the surface.”

The previous incident involving the Ridgeback Mole was in the town of Nilmsworth, in rural Queensland. The entire town is now sunken into the ground.

Bitumen is Brisbane is generally stronger,” says Robinson, “So the community will stay aloft for longer. Hopefully long enough for us to catch all the moles and fill in the foundations.”

Winery tour ends in success after bachelor party

wine tours
wine tours

The winery tour was successful, according to bachelor Jason Merryman

A local bachelor party has “capped off the weekend” with a day-long winery tour in Victoria’s Bellarine peninsula, according to reports. The bachelor in question, Jason Merryman, stated his intention to friends that he wanted “an old-school bachelor party, full of high class alcohol, even a winery tour at the end of it.” The friends did not disappoint Merryman, who according to close sources “was more than happy with the weekend in general.”

“I was more than happy with the weekend in general,” stated Merryman in a press conference issued by his fiance Monday morning. “I was lucky enough to see the sights and tastes of Victoria through the best wine tour Bellarine peninsula has to offer, and I’m more than lucky to have it end my bachelorhood.” Merryman’s fiance, interior decorator Samantha Borden, was seen “indulging in homemade wine with friends,” on the day in question, choosing to “stay home with close friends as her bachelorette party.”

Party crews have been some of the more popular guests for local winery tours in Victoria, making up more than a quarter of all guests in 2013. “People are starting to see the elegance and sophistication of a wine tour as a good thing,” stated party planner Helen McCarthy. “This has translated to more and more bachelor parties, as well as regular partie,s move away from the typical bar and towards a high class wine tour, which showcases the surrounding area as well as local cellar doors.”

In a statement late yesterday, Merryman reiterated his feelings towards the “successful wine tour,” and stated his intention for he and his “future wife” to visit in the future.

Original Dirk Digby Home Discovered

old house

old houseA Melbourne lock enthusiast who set a challenge for locksmiths to break into his house has announced that he plans to donate the house to charity, shortly before the property was declared to be a heritage site.

The man, who has asked that his name not be revealed, stated that he was left broken by his experiences and has decided to give the house away to spare himself the pain of living inside.

“My locks will be left here,” said the homeowner, “They’re all broken anyway, like my heart. The challenge was supposed to be insurmountable, but I underestimated the tenacity of my fellow locksmiths. Now it will stand until the new owner does whatever they wish. I only hope the Melbourne conveyancers I have to help me with the transfer find the place a good owner.”

However, the property transfer experts surveying the house reportedly found evidence that the house had once been the home of Dirk Digby, a notorious outlaw and livestock thief who terrorized Melbourne in the early days of settlement.

“It’s quite a find,” says Gregory Yates, a local historian. “Pictures and documents indicate that this is indeed the home that Digby grew up in. For many years we’ve searched for the truth of his origins, and this appears to be the place where it all started. Not to mention the place is remarkably preserved.”

The title transfer process is currently underway, which will eventually give the historical society full access to the house and its contents. Plans besides research have not been established, though there have been hints of transforming the property into a museum of Digby’s life and notorious career.

Heat Changes Cause Panic


gridlockBrisbane has been in a state of emergency since last night, when fallout from the heating grid disaster began to have an affect on local communities and infrastructure.

In an attempt to install a heating grid similar to that of Perth, local councils voted unanimously to allow a tunnel to be dug underneath the central business district. The move would allow a trial system to be installed, with less potency than existing grids but enough to gauge effectiveness. However, a power surge caused the system to heat rapidly underground, causing numerous effects above.

Asphalt in Brisbane has begun to heat to the point of melting, with a number of cars becoming stuck and roads being unusable until bitumen experts could arrive on the scene. This has caused gridlock in some areas, with the situation exacerbated by the rising heat in my urban areas. Police were called to the scene of a number of traffic jams and crashes, with levels of aggression far higher than usual.

“A little bit of asphalt melting and everybody loses their minds,” says local police chief Sabra Williamson. “I suppose temperatures are higher than usual, but that’s no reason to start a fistfight. The police are doing everything they can to quell the situation, so we ask that everyone remains calm.”

Reports show Brisbane heating an average of one-degree above regular temperature, which has caused minor riots in some neighbourhoods. Estimate property damage appears to be around $42, as a piece of a fence was broken and a bicycle tire was punctured in the confusion.

“It’s chaos,” says resident Mindy Miller. “I was in the garden when it began. Suddenly my washing began to dry a bit faster than usual. Then a warm wind started to blow. I just had my Brisbane heating repairs, I don’t need any more.”

Despite some suggesting that the asphalt melting was due to a simple overheating of the ground, and that Brisbane asphalt repair specialists will solve the problem, many have begun to evacuate their homes in the face of the underwhelming heat change.


Iron Legs Wins Orthotic Award

metal leg

A nemetal legw invention that promises to revolutionise sports therapy has been unveiled at the Melbourne Custom Orthotics Conference; labelled ‘The Iron Foot;, it has promised to make sports therapy a far smoother process.

The invention scored a perfect 40 from the judges after a demonstration, which highlighted how the brace-like structure can latch onto an injured performer’s leg and act as active support. The technology has been compared to the ‘blades’ used by runners in the Paralympics, though their use is partially electronic.

“It’s essentially a second leg, on the back of the injured one,” says creator Takashi Yokohama. “It latches on, regulates the necessities of use and electronically adjusts itself accordingly. This completely takes the pressure off an injury and adds its own power to the leg, making it even better than new.”

The Iron Foot received some criticism from attendees, who noted that it enabling the user to kick straight through a solid concrete wall without injury may have been an unfair advantage. Yokohama responded to critics by explaining the principle settings, which can be toned down to a human level.

Meanwhile, several prominent foot specialists in attendance have stated that this is a revolution in terms of sport injury.

“Leg braces and other such things often still leave a person on the sidelines,” says Katie Curran, a prominent Cheltenham podiatrist. “This is different. It not only puts someone back in the game, it also gives them a chance to be completely involved while healing. I have no doubt that this could be of great use in the sport industry, if people can get over the whole concrete kicking thing.”

Exterior Painting Accepted as Art


churchAn art gallery has finally agreed to display prominent pieces of art from around the city, including jobs done by exterior painters, after a length lobbying process.

A number of exterior painters in Melbourne have been petitioning to local councils for years, asking for their work to be recognised. Their efforts went most unrecognised, until a prominent gallery on Swanston Street, Della Morcia, conceded to allow photographs or the artwork to be displayed in their own private section.

“People say what we do isn’t art,” says Dante Mason, a painter who creates landscapes but also applies coatings to building exteriors. “Well, it’s time we changed that. No more just doing a paint job and leaving it to be destroyed by the elements. We want recognition for our work.”

The owner of the gallery, James Peregrine, has stated that he believes in a broad definition of art, and is glad to welcome any and all aspects of the craft into the gallery.

Della Morcia does not discriminate,” says Peregrine, “And after all, art is about expression and creativity. If something has those two things, and could be considered beautiful, then we welcome it into the gallery.”

The first exhibit is to be a paint job of an old chapel in Keymore, with a panorama of shots showing the dilapidated former state and demonstrating how a fine coat of white paint brought new life to the building.

“It’s our expression,” says Mason, “And despite what people think, not all Melbourne painters are just in this for the money. Exterior painting is absolutely an art form, and we truly take pride in our unique form of expression.”