Horses Freed by Clueless Animal Group

horses running

horses runningResidents of Tamworth have been shocked by a mass breakout overnight, with an estimated 80% of horse barns opened and horses now roaming outside.

A group known as ‘The Horse Freedom Brigade’ has claimed responsibility for the action, stating they are fighting for the freedom of horses everywhere, and don’t believe that any animals should serve humans.

“This is only phase one,” said their leader in a statement sent to news stations, in which all participants are concealed in shadows. “Horses everywhere deserve their freedom, and we’re going to make sure they run wild. You think your Tamworth horse barns can hold them. All it takes is an opening of the door, and they’re gone.”

However, despite the culminative effort to open 80% of Tamworth’s barns at once in one night, the operation has been deemed an utter failure. A majority of horse owners have stated that the move is only a mild inconvenience, as a number of locks have been broken; otherwise, most horses were found milling around either just outside the barn or still inside.

“We treat them well,” says horse owner Kaley Pratchett, “This is where they have food, get groomed, are treated as part of the family…and they’ve ever lived in the wild. Where would they go? This whole thing is lunacy. And now we have to deal with all the smashed locks.”

A number of arrests have been made after a few of the many participants were caught by police or citizens fleeing the scene. Meanwhile, a select few missing horse cases have been resolved, with almost all instances involving the horse being found in a neighbouring field.

“I don’t know what they expected,” says Kaley, “I guess they thought that once the horses were free, they’d make a mad dash for the hills, never to be seen again. Tamworth horse sheds aren’t prisons. They protect the horses from idiots like these who don’t know what they need.”

Underground Hideout Contains Limousine, Spy Gadgets

spy limo

spy limoThe Eastglen sewer renovations have unveiled what appears to be a secret lair, one of many found beneath the community; however, it is believed that this tunnel was once used by spies in World War II.

Given Eastglen’s reputation as a burgeoning suburb established in the early 1900s, and its subsequent fall into disrepair, historians have concluded that it may have been the perfect place for any number of secret societies. The discovery comes as preparations are made for an underground theme park, with diggers discovering a fully-furnished cavern complete with a number of pieces of technology that were advanced for their time.

These have included a rudimentary form of email, several automatic weapons with laser sights and an entire Melbourne limousine from the 1930s. The vehicle has been of particular interest to historians, as it has been heavily modified and appears to have been built while underground.

“What we’re seeing is as close to real life James Bond as you can get,” says Pretta Davis, a local historian. “This limousine is designed to blend in- yo can see by the way it conforms to the style of the times- but it has all kinds of gadgets that are way ahead. Power steering, for one thing. Rudimentary GPS, airbags, functioning seatbelts…it was a marvel of engineering.”

The limo has been preserved by the Automotive Society for being culturally significant, and is now being examined by experts to uncover more of its functionality. Meanwhile, the rest of the hideout is being cleared to make way for the theme park, though not before proper documentation is made of its former state.

“We could even implement this into the underground theme,” says project manager Dan Forbes, “Our own secret spy cave. If we can get the limo back it’ll be a major draw. Melbourne stretch limo hire, but without the hire, or the stretch. We make up for it in gadgets.”

Landscaper Discovers Antique Stash

treasure

treasureA North Melbourne landscaper completing work on the grounds of the Draconis Academy of Advanced Education has discovered what is believed to be a stash of artifacts and documents from colonial times, all of which have been perfectly preserved.

The landscaper, Trey Siffan, was reportedly overseeing the digging of a water feature when the chest was discovered, after which it was taken to be reviewed by historians. Despite protests from Headmaster Vincent Lampwick, who claimed that the chest was found on school property and should stay there, the collection was taken to the Melbourne Museum, where its content will be evaluated by a team of Australian history experts.

“It’s an astounding find,” says Fergus McWilliam, a prominent professor and historian, “There are documents here from the very first settlers. Firearms untouched by time. Letters that were never sent, and may even now be delivered to descendants.”

Reports have also surfaced of disturbing contents, such as occult ritual materials, and students overseeing the project have reported seeing cryptic warnings written in blood on the chest as it was excavated. However, nothing has yet been confirmed.

Meanwhile, all further landscaping plans around the school grounds have been halted as professionals are brought in to investigate for further burials.

“There’s so much more landscaping work to do around the place,” says Vincent Lampwick, “We have to put retaining walls surrounding the stables, proper driveway paving, polished concrete floors in the antechamber and maybe a tree formation lining the entrance. But if people are tripping over old artifacts, we won’t get anything done. I just want to make sure that there are no more…surprises.”

Climate Change Advocates Cause Chaos

ice caps

ice capsThousands have rallied in Melbourne’s central business district in what has been revealed to be support for climate change, in direct opposition to another rally marching against it.

The United Party of People Loving Global Warming, commonly known as ‘UPLUGEW’, have firmly declared their intentions to contribute to the hole in the ozone layer and raise the global temperature. Protesting in beachwear and carrying numerous inflatable devices, UPLUGEW stood in staunch opposition to the crowd calling for the government to pay attention to climate change. Signs were held reading ‘METL THOSE CAPS AND HANG TEN’, and ‘If you Can’t Stand the Heat, get Melbourne Replacement Windows and Stay Inside.’

Many from the group also carried panes of glass, and preached to passer-bys on how their windows can be strengthened to keep out the sun.

Several scuffles broke out between the opposing groups, with one opponent of climate change punching straight through a pane of glass being used as a shield. A minor scuffle then broke out over the broken glass, which had to be broken up by police.

“They’re scum,” says Harry Maybury, who marched to raise awareness of climate change. “They’re not thinking about the future of this world; they just want to cause trouble. I’d go so far as to say UPLUGEW don’t even know why they’re doing this.”

However, members of the controversial group have spoken out, saying that their reasoning is sound and global warming is to be celebrated.

“It’s going to be a party,” says Angela Yates of UPLUGEW, “The weather will be hot all the time, there’ll be more ocean for us to go surfing…and if you don’t like the heat, we’re developing a new way to insulate your home. We’d be happy to knock out your windows so the Melbourne window repair people can give you the proper panes that’ll keep you cool. As for the flooding, I’m sure someone else will take care of that. Surfing, remember.”

KidSmith Music Video Provokes Controversy

choreography

choreographyA new music video from boy band KidSmith has caused controversy after its advance release in Melbourne, as it depicts the singers performing a song on private property and in controversial costumes.

‘Fahrenheit Love’, the song behind the video, shot to number one after its release last week, with the accompanying music video hotly anticipated. The Melbourne-based boy band tweeted to fans that the video had been in production for months, and had been held up by unforeseen circumstances.

Its release saw the video gaining almost five-million hits within the first twelve hours, though its controversial nature has been criticized.

KidSmith filmed the video inside the old Keymore mansion- which has now been renovated into a soon-to-open boarding school- despite the premises not being available to the public at the time. They also performed dressed as various tradespeople, with the narrative involving numerous aluminium toolboxes and various other trade tools being used in the elaborate choreography. The criticism has been levelled by numerous tradespeople, who have noted that the band’s use of the tools is completely inappropriate.

“Did you see the way he was waving around that blow torch?” says welder Daniel Peters. “I’m surprised the place didn’t burn down. And the way those aluminium accessories were flying all around the place…it’s a poor example to all tradespeople.”

The local Keymore council have also expressed their concern over the illegal entry to the mansion after it was acquired, and have stated that they may pursue legal action.

Meanwhile, the rest of the ‘Fahrenheit Love’ video has received critical acclaim for its music, choreography and visuals, despite the lengthy and unexplained hiatus of the band members.

“Latecomer” Y2K conspiracy theorists found cold

ducted heating
ducted heating

Ducted heating repairs for conspiracy bunker had not been carried out “in decades”

In what police have described as “the coldest conspiracy theory bunker we have ever found,” a group of Y2K enthusiasts have been uncovered in a fort in north Brisbane late last weekend. The group, having been found “relatively undisturbed” on Saturday afternoon, expressed a desire to “see what became of the outside world,” as well as request blankets and jumpers from officers.

Constable David Price stated that “We got complaints about loud meetings and disgruntled calendar and computer scientists exiting the building, and we decided to investigate.” According to official reports, more than half of the officers on site “had to rug up slightly to avoid the chill,” after it was discovered that the heating systems hadn’t been used “in over twelve months.”

“It’s very important that this not be the case,” stated Price. “The police force wants all theorists to know that getting a regular check up of your heating and cooling systems is an important step to them staying healthy.”

“We have never had the time to call or book an appointment for heating repairs in Brisbane,” stated founder Olivia Ramp. “We were all too busy trying to figure out how to deal with the aftermath of Y2K and most of us couldn’t read the dates on our phones or computers to work out when to make the booking.”

The group has since been informed about the “relatively minor” effect the millenium bug has had on international computing. “I guess we need to start turning the bunker back into a yoga studio,” said Ramp yesterday. “It means that we can finally get ducted heating in Brisbane again, and with this new workout routine, it won’t matter what year it is.”

Rock Band Causes Blackouts

rock concert

rock concertA Sydney rock band has come under fire for their habit of using air conditioning units during their performances, which have caused numerous shorts and blackouts in recent days.

The band, known simply as ‘A/C’ describe themselves as a cover band who perform songs from the popular act AC/DC. While the songs remain the same, A/C distinguish themselves by their habit of using multiple air conditioners during their performances. Concert-goers are pre-warned to bring warm clothing, as temperatures have been known to drop to below 0-degrees during certain songs. This effect is achieved by what the band refer to as ‘The Freeze Wall’, a set of over fifty powerful air conditioning units that blast cold air from different angles.

“We checked it all out with Sydney air conditioning guys,” says lead singer Argus Yung. “It’s totally cool. I mean, literally. Our performances are so cool they’re sub-zero. Our fans love not being all hot and sweaty during a performance, and it’s like, our calling card. The Freeze Wall is here to stay.”

However, the immense power required to power the units has lead to blackouts in some areas, as the grid cannot handle the power requirements.

“Not only do we get their music blasting into our apartments,” says disgruntled resident Ricardo Parker, “But when they’re playing, the power will just go off. Do they really need all those air con units?”

Precedents for the incident are very few and unclear, and A/C have refused to dismantle or reduce the Freeze Wall.

“No way, man,” says Yung, “It’s like, our thing. We have all these Sydney air conditioning repair guys all over it after every performance, so it’s totally safe. And it makes us cooler than any other, like. Y’know?”

Lock Enthusiast Sets Challenge

chained-gate

chained-gateA lock enthusiast has made history by creating what has been deemed to be the world’s most secure property.

Michael Forrest, the owner of the collection, claims to own at least 7000 different types of lock, which he has used in an elaborate set piece. The pieces consists of an abandoned house in Melbourne East, which has been sealed by every single one of Forrest’s varying lock types.

Forrest has issued a challenge to all of the citizens of Melbourne, challenging them to get past the 7000 security devices and steal the treasure hidden in the basement of the house. Thus far, several prominent Melbourne locksmiths have taken up the gauntlet, but have been unable to break the front gate to the premises. Several people have taken to jumping over the gate, but have found that every door and window are sealed.

“It’s a challenge for anyone who considers themselves an expert on locks,” says Forrest. “I can promise you, I know more. My house is unbreachable. No one will ever break into the treasure.”

The interview had to be paused for the lock enthusiast to break into peals of maniacal laughter.

Meanwhile, a number of amateurs and professional locksmiths have continued to arrive at the house, where various methods to break into the house have yielded limited results.

“There are just so many padlocks,” says locksmith Alan Eldridge. “So, so many padlocks. More than I’ve ever seen. If there are more padlocks on the inside, we’re pretty much doomed.”

Forrest has declined to reveal what lies on the inside of the house, but has hinted that the security only grows as contestants have advanced, with the possibility of remote keyless entry and other forms of advanced security.

‘Steeling’ Revival Ends in Disaster

banister slide

banister slideA public park in Melbourne has been closed off after a mass demonstration of balustrade sliding lead to multiple injuries and damage to property.

The gathering, announced on various social media sites, was an attempt to revive the viral activity known as ‘Steeling’, in which a person slides down a metal railing, usually on a tray or similar item. Described as ‘the new planking’, steeling became a viral hit several months ago, popularised in part due to well-known actor Gregory JeMaque completing the stunt and uploading it to YouTube. Though the fad has long been out of fashion, the gathering in Huntingdale Park yesterday night was an attempt to revive the fad.

The call on Facebook involved a hunt for ‘the greatest stainless steel balustrades in Melbourne’, with Huntingdale being chosen due to its multiple long staircases. The gathering attracted over 2000 participants, mostly teenagers, who all brought trays and various similar items to complete the stunt. However, the first hour of the event lead to multiple broken balustrades, shattered bones and head wounds, all of which were later uploaded to YouTube.

“It was all going to end in tears,” says local police chief Almira Goodwill. “But if anything, this will kill the fad for good. We’ve had a reported 77 injuries, some of them critical. And we’re going to have to lay charges for the ruined balustrades.”

The gathering was dispersed with the arrival of both ambulances and police cars, though locals have stated that the event was not halted soon enough.

“Our beautiful Melbourne handrails,” said elderly local Joyce Morseppe. “The park just won’t be the same without them. I can’t believe what those hoodlums did to the place- it’s heartbreaking.”

Snowland Banned From Canberra

snow roo

snow rooIn a controversial move, Canberra has rejected an appeal for the Snowland travelling amusement park to visit the city on its tour of Australia.

The reasons have been cited as top-ranking officials not wanting to ruin Canberra’s spate of good weather. Earlier this week, Adelaide experienced a cold snap after Snowland’s dome was breached, causing cold air to flood out before the massive generators could be stopped. The median temperature dropped by fifteen degrees, though the unnaturally high temperatures at the time made the incident less than remarkable.

However, a similar drop in Canberra could even see temperatures dropping to dangerous, below-zero levels, which has been cited as the main reason Snowland has been banned from entering the city.

“We have no need of a winter amusement park at this time of year,” said a government official on the steps of Parliament House, wrapped in several layers and scarves. “I’m afraid that Snowland may have to return in the summertime, where we will be reconsidering our decision. Canberra air conditioning will keep everyone more than cool until then.”

The move has caused controversy amongst Canberra residents, with minor protests taking place in main streets and the page ‘Snowland for Canberra’ on Facebook gaining thousands of likes.

“We’ve been waiting for the winter wonderland experience,” says parent Cecelia Williams. “My children would’ve loved it. But we’re missing out because a few politicians want to keep their mitts warm. We’ll just have to settle for pumping up the air conditioning while we try to reverse the decision.”

Meanwhile Facebook has called for a mass revolt of Canberra air conditioning repair technicians, so as to force the hand of the local ruling body.

Snowland has declined to comment on the situation.