Citizens Urged to Ignore Termite Cuteness

termite damageRecent controversial reports have suggested that termites do not qualify as ‘pets’, and there have been moves to educate homeowners as to the dangers of harmful pests.

“I’ll admit, they’re very cute,” says entomologist Peter Bugsworth, “I’d certainly keep them as pets if there was a proper, humane place to put them. However, you can’t simply let them live in your home.”

Termite inspection experts in Frankston have already been sent out by several local councils to stem the flow of collapsing homes, as the population are steadily educated as to the dangers of keeping termites.

“They’re so fuzzy wuzzy!” squees Suzanne Brenless. “I can’t believe anyone would ever want to remove them. Let them live here, what’s the harm? I just can’t get enough of how cuddly they are.”

Local councils have been making attempts to educate the citizens of Melbourne as to the true dangers of keeping termites, as their only food source is generally what makes up part of a home’s structure.

“People cannot let themselves be drawn in by how adorable these insects are,” says deputy sub-mayor Karen Strate. “They are cute, yes. But do not be fooled: they can cause serious damage.”

The warnings have incited protests in some areas, with plush termites being created and counter-statistics being offered that present wood-eating insects as harless when treated with respect. However, pest control experts in Mornington and the surrounding areas have begun a push to remove them from homes at any cost.

Carrie’s Cuts: As Good as a Lawyer?

slippersHello, everyone!

Carrie’s back for good, and I’d like to thank you all for the lovely comments on my last post. It meant a lot to me, and you can be sure that I read down the entire list.

Now, today I’d like to unload something that’s been playing around on my mind for a while now. So I’m a little bit different to the rest of the family, maybe because I was a third child, imbued with the expectation that I’d be all artistic and creative. Well, here I am, a writer!

Contrast with my brother, who is a well-respected Dandenong family lawyer and is climbing the ranks, being successful, bringing home the bacon to his lovely wife…all of that business. We’re just leading very different lives, and sometimes I ask myself: is mine of less worth? Bear with me, because I do have an answer, but in my slightly darker moments I have been known to bemoan my calling. My brother is out there, settling family law disputes, dealing with alimony and spousal support payments, contributing to society in a very real way. But the thing is, what he’s actually doing is contributing in a very visible way. Sure my writing and artwork doesn’t see me at a desk with paperwork stating the exact impact I’ve had on people, but it can be just as important as a Dandenong solicitor. And it’s the same for everyone! As long as you’re doing something to the best of your ability, you’re making a difference.

The only thing I really bemoan now is how my brother gets to wear a snappy suit in his family lawyer duties, and most of the time I’m in pajamas and slippers.

-Carrie xx

Carrie’s Cuts: The Garden Guru

produceHello, everybody!

So glad to be back after I had a bit of a holiday. I’ve had a lot of well-wishers after my Dad passed away, and I can’t thank you all enough…so I thought I’d dedicate this one to him. And the one thing my Dad loved only slightly less than his family? His garden.

Even up until his last days, when he wasn’t quite as mobile, he always found time to take care of everything out there. Just being in the garden seemed to give him life, so the doctor always gave him a bit of leeway when it came to the garden. Even at 93, he was still growing the best seed potatoes you’ve ever tasted. Really, there’s nothing quite like growing fresh produce in your back garden. You know exactly what goes into them (in this case, a lot of earthy goodness) and there are no hidden risks, unless you’re bad a washing vegetables. The whole time I was growing up, I don’t think there’s a single thing that he didn’t try to grow. But not everything worked. Hey, you have to try and fail sometimes before you get it right. He did a lot of both, to the point where he could grow anything. Flowers, plants, bushes, trees…I remember being quite shocked when I moved into a student share house and no one really paid any attention to the garden. The place was overgrown, which just wasn’t something I was used to.

Naturally, my Dad taught me all of this stuff, so if you need some world-class strawberries…I could probably provide. Give me a few years, maybe I’ll come close to his level!

-Carrie xx

Reader submission: The gift of hope and house painting

house painters in MelbourneMy aunt lived in a nice little house in a quiet suburb not too far from the city. She wasn’t a big fan of people, she especially hated crowds. She liked to keep to herself and many thought of her as rather odd. She liked old fashioned things and hated the way society was these days. When I asked her why, she would explain how people don’t care about each other anymore. Society has become very selfish and focused on the individual rather than the community. She didn’t understand why people committed the crimes. She always raged about how money influenced people and destroyed morals.

We decided that for my aunt’s birthday we would get her house repainted. We wanted to show her that kindness was still alive in the world. She didn’t want anything and wouldn’t accept gifts from the family, so we decided to get her something she really needed. Her home needed weatherboard painting since before she moved in, ten years ago. It was in desperate need of house painting in Melbourne. For her birthday, we took my aunt to a nice restaurant for breakfast, then to the water park and the botanical gardens. She had a great day. We subtly slipped into conversation about what colour her dream house would be and took that idea to the  interior painters, Melbourne has so many generous people. I just want my aunt to see that not everyone is heartless. We all agreed to keep the present as a surprise, and devised a plan to distract my aunt for an entire day. The painters arranged extra help for the job to get it completed in time. When we arrived at her house she was shocked to see her house had changed colour. She loved it and said it was the best gift she’d ever got. We had restored her faith in humanity. I say this everyone who know a person in need of some kindness, a small act can make a big difference.

Boats Reported to Sail Through Ocean

boat raceIn an utterly precedented sequence of events, boat owners in Melbourne have found that their vessels are able to float in water and even be steered.

“Someone said to me recently…” says Harrison Sale, “They said ‘Have you heard about this new invention? It’s called a ‘boat’. And so I thought…I have one of those. Was never too sure what if was for, though. So I asked, and now I know!”

Boat mechanics from the Melbourne area have sprung up overnight, ready and willing to help people sail their new inventions, and early reports indicate that certain materials are more suited to floating than others.

“We’ve already tried building a boat made of stone,” says esteemed scientist Mary-Lou Bartholomew. “Yeah, it didn’t work. Looks like wood is the way to go, though we’re still trialling the process of sticking together lots of very small rocks.”

Boat owners have taken to the seas after the great discovery, with confused onlookers describing the sight of people floating on the water as ‘disconcerting’, amongst other reactions.

“But we can’t breathe water,” says confused mother of four Casey Gingham. “Why would you go out into the middle of it?”

“This will anger Poseidon,” says elderly coastal resident Jerry Captain. “Mark my words, it’ll bode nothing good. Mankind belong on the land. It’s just stirring up trouble, these new boats.”

Meanwhile, a thriving business in Melbourne repairing anchor winches has sprung up overnight, with onlookers describing their services as ‘necessary, probably’.

Clean Floors Considered a Hazard

floor cleaning

floor cleaningConcern has been raised over the cleanliness of Melbourne’s floors, after an international incident was barely avoided over the weekend.

Chairman Lasil Tigera, the country leader of Albajeria, had recently arrived in Melbourne for a selective meeting of world leaders. However, the lobby of his hotel had recently had its floor buffed, leading to the Chairman slipping and sliding the entire way across the room, only stopping after pitching headfirst through a pane of glass leading to the dining room.

“This was a terrible incident,” says local politician Sandra Reeves, who was charged with being the Chairman’s guide while he was in Melbourne. “Hilarious, but terrible. It appears that the tendency to call in Melbourne floor scrubbers has grown to greater proportions than is necessary.”

Other concerns have since been raised over the cleanliness of Melbourne’s floors, with many public places recommending a less thorough job be completed for fear of slippage.

“What’s wrong with a bit of dirt?” says shop owner Casey Carroll. “It stops people from sliding all over the place. I clean my floors on occasion, but not that much.”

However, Melbourne ride on floor scrubber technicians have struck back.

“Everyone appreciates a crystal clean floor,” says Crystal McLean, a conveniently named cleaner. “We’ll never give in. You all just need to stop wearing slippery shoes.”

Research Shows Socks the Key to Success

child

childAmerican sock sales have greatly increased after an influential article posted in renowned scientific journal Awesome Squared, which made the claim the people who wear socks and other types of comfortable footwear have a greater chance of success.

The paper, entitled Socks: Your Pathway to Fame and Fortune, was written after an intense fifteen year study. The process involved scientists observing groups of children who preferred to wear socks, and those who spent their time without shoes and socks. Participants were provided with mens business socks in order to properly determine their reaction to owning proper footwear. The scientists concluded that socks were a sure pathway to victory, with the socked group having much greater business success and forming relationships more easily.

“It’s obvious why this is,” says Hubert Weave, the head researcher on the project. “Kids who go barefoot are the ones who like to climb trees and play outside instead of doing homework. Naturally, this means their feet are dirtier and people don’t want to talk to them as much. Whereas sock wearers are encouraged to stay inside and focus on studies and interpersonal relationships.”

The research has been hailed as groundbreaking by the scientific community, and concerned parents are reportedly purchasing colorful mens socks in droves in an effort to give their children a greater chance at success at life.

Draconis Academy Electrical Problems Prevented

device

deviceThe electrical issues at the Draconis Academy have been solved, thanks to the timely intervention of a prototype device that siphons electricity and prevents accidents.

The device was being trialled at a laboratory located in South Yarra and is currently known as the Siphon 3000. After being hooked up to the main generator, the device detects dangerous spikes in electricity. It then siphons off that power and distributes it to the rest of the system.

The Siphon 3000 has been tested and appraised by South Yarra electricians, with positive results from all fronts.

“The device is very safe,” says Harrison Sparks, a more local electrician, “It’ll do what it’s supposed to. No doubt everyone in that building is safe now.”

When asked further about the device’s exact construction or origin, Sparks was reluctant to answer.

“The device is safe,” said Sparks. “The device is safe.”

Meanwhile, parents of children have been invited to come to the school to test the safety themselves, with Headmaster Vincent personally claiming that the new system was 100% safe.

“I’d like to personally thank the electricians who helped us with this task,” said Lampwick, “Our school is safe, and it’s all thanks to you.”

Meanwhile, electricians around the Dandenong and South Yarra areas have been bombarded with requests for the Siphon 3000, but claim to know little about its mass production.

QLD skip bins proven to be “mega popular”

rubbish removal

 

rubbish removal

rubbish removal in the city of Brisbane is “hugely popular these days”

Skip bins in Brisbane have caused local residents to proclaim a “skip bin fever” as the city heads into the winter rubbish removal season. The season is symbolised by the large increase in at-home rubbish removal attempts, and has seen a marked increase in private company removal services throughout the city.

According to reports, the change has largely been due to an increased awareness of private removal services by residents, as well as “a huge increase in the acceptance of both local and city government for filling a void that needed filling.”

James Carver, head of Brisbane’s City Council on rubbish stated that “we want the people of this city to be free to get rid of the rubbish that they want to get rid of. If that means that we as residents must look towards private enterprises, then it’s a change I am more than willing to embrace.”

Carver has spearheaded many similar campaigns to his constituents, talking about “a drastic shift towards higher quality rubbish removal in Brisbane, a change which can brought about by competition and good businesses doing good work.”

Many residents have praised the change as “visionary and revolutionary.” Local resident Jennifer Veils stated that “I could never get rid of all these old mattresses and bed frames before, but now I finally have a way, as well as a new excuse to do some more green gardening, since I have somewhere to put the waste.” Another change that has been praised is the introduction of local laws increasing the amount of time hard rubbish can be held on residential properties. “It’s just further increasing our ties with professional removalists, who we can schedule to meet our own busy schedules and not have to worry.”

African Soap Leads to Health Scare

soap

soapResidents of Melbourne are recovering from shock as a health scare swept the city that left some believing they had caught a rare African cold.

The illness was supposedly spread by a shipment of soap from Kenya, which was in high demand due to its supposed scouring properties, along with its enticing scent that has been described as ‘sort of like lavender, but even more lovely’.

However, bacteria is suspected to have become mingled with the latest shipment, causing many to experience rashes, sneezing and a number of varied symptoms. Rumours quickly spread that the product had been carrying the dreaded African Cold, which is reputed to strike down its victims with itchy eyes and a drowsiness for up to two weeks.

“All my efforts at influenza prevention were worthless,” says Sophie Sofia, who was afflicted with the illness after purchasing the soap at an outdoor market. “I have an important job as deputy sub-manager of a small hair drying firm. Drowsiness will affect my productivity.”

However, it was later discovered that the bacteria was entirely different and mostly harmless, instead more closely resembling a Peruvian flu that ran rampant in a number of communities last year. However, this illness only tends to last an average of a week-and-a-half, which sufferers of the soap illness have described as ‘a great relief’.

“It’s the half week that makes all the difference,” says Mary-Lou Marrison. “Honestly, it’s a lot of fuss about soap. I already had my flu immunisation ages ago, but I’m still feeling drowsy. Maybe I just haven’t been sleeping well.”