Rock Band Causes Blackouts

rock concert

rock concertA Sydney rock band has come under fire for their habit of using air conditioning units during their performances, which have caused numerous shorts and blackouts in recent days.

The band, known simply as ‘A/C’ describe themselves as a cover band who perform songs from the popular act AC/DC. While the songs remain the same, A/C distinguish themselves by their habit of using multiple air conditioners during their performances. Concert-goers are pre-warned to bring warm clothing, as temperatures have been known to drop to below 0-degrees during certain songs. This effect is achieved by what the band refer to as ‘The Freeze Wall’, a set of over fifty powerful air conditioning units that blast cold air from different angles.

“We checked it all out with Sydney air conditioning guys,” says lead singer Argus Yung. “It’s totally cool. I mean, literally. Our performances are so cool they’re sub-zero. Our fans love not being all hot and sweaty during a performance, and it’s like, our calling card. The Freeze Wall is here to stay.”

However, the immense power required to power the units has lead to blackouts in some areas, as the grid cannot handle the power requirements.

“Not only do we get their music blasting into our apartments,” says disgruntled resident Ricardo Parker, “But when they’re playing, the power will just go off. Do they really need all those air con units?”

Precedents for the incident are very few and unclear, and A/C have refused to dismantle or reduce the Freeze Wall.

“No way, man,” says Yung, “It’s like, our thing. We have all these Sydney air conditioning repair guys all over it after every performance, so it’s totally safe. And it makes us cooler than any other, like. Y’know?”

Lock Enthusiast Sets Challenge

chained-gate

chained-gateA lock enthusiast has made history by creating what has been deemed to be the world’s most secure property.

Michael Forrest, the owner of the collection, claims to own at least 7000 different types of lock, which he has used in an elaborate set piece. The pieces consists of an abandoned house in Melbourne East, which has been sealed by every single one of Forrest’s varying lock types.

Forrest has issued a challenge to all of the citizens of Melbourne, challenging them to get past the 7000 security devices and steal the treasure hidden in the basement of the house. Thus far, several prominent Melbourne locksmiths have taken up the gauntlet, but have been unable to break the front gate to the premises. Several people have taken to jumping over the gate, but have found that every door and window are sealed.

“It’s a challenge for anyone who considers themselves an expert on locks,” says Forrest. “I can promise you, I know more. My house is unbreachable. No one will ever break into the treasure.”

The interview had to be paused for the lock enthusiast to break into peals of maniacal laughter.

Meanwhile, a number of amateurs and professional locksmiths have continued to arrive at the house, where various methods to break into the house have yielded limited results.

“There are just so many padlocks,” says locksmith Alan Eldridge. “So, so many padlocks. More than I’ve ever seen. If there are more padlocks on the inside, we’re pretty much doomed.”

Forrest has declined to reveal what lies on the inside of the house, but has hinted that the security only grows as contestants have advanced, with the possibility of remote keyless entry and other forms of advanced security.

‘Steeling’ Revival Ends in Disaster

banister slide

banister slideA public park in Melbourne has been closed off after a mass demonstration of balustrade sliding lead to multiple injuries and damage to property.

The gathering, announced on various social media sites, was an attempt to revive the viral activity known as ‘Steeling’, in which a person slides down a metal railing, usually on a tray or similar item. Described as ‘the new planking’, steeling became a viral hit several months ago, popularised in part due to well-known actor Gregory JeMaque completing the stunt and uploading it to YouTube. Though the fad has long been out of fashion, the gathering in Huntingdale Park yesterday night was an attempt to revive the fad.

The call on Facebook involved a hunt for ‘the greatest stainless steel balustrades in Melbourne’, with Huntingdale being chosen due to its multiple long staircases. The gathering attracted over 2000 participants, mostly teenagers, who all brought trays and various similar items to complete the stunt. However, the first hour of the event lead to multiple broken balustrades, shattered bones and head wounds, all of which were later uploaded to YouTube.

“It was all going to end in tears,” says local police chief Almira Goodwill. “But if anything, this will kill the fad for good. We’ve had a reported 77 injuries, some of them critical. And we’re going to have to lay charges for the ruined balustrades.”

The gathering was dispersed with the arrival of both ambulances and police cars, though locals have stated that the event was not halted soon enough.

“Our beautiful Melbourne handrails,” said elderly local Joyce Morseppe. “The park just won’t be the same without them. I can’t believe what those hoodlums did to the place- it’s heartbreaking.”

Snowland Banned From Canberra

snow roo

snow rooIn a controversial move, Canberra has rejected an appeal for the Snowland travelling amusement park to visit the city on its tour of Australia.

The reasons have been cited as top-ranking officials not wanting to ruin Canberra’s spate of good weather. Earlier this week, Adelaide experienced a cold snap after Snowland’s dome was breached, causing cold air to flood out before the massive generators could be stopped. The median temperature dropped by fifteen degrees, though the unnaturally high temperatures at the time made the incident less than remarkable.

However, a similar drop in Canberra could even see temperatures dropping to dangerous, below-zero levels, which has been cited as the main reason Snowland has been banned from entering the city.

“We have no need of a winter amusement park at this time of year,” said a government official on the steps of Parliament House, wrapped in several layers and scarves. “I’m afraid that Snowland may have to return in the summertime, where we will be reconsidering our decision. Canberra air conditioning will keep everyone more than cool until then.”

The move has caused controversy amongst Canberra residents, with minor protests taking place in main streets and the page ‘Snowland for Canberra’ on Facebook gaining thousands of likes.

“We’ve been waiting for the winter wonderland experience,” says parent Cecelia Williams. “My children would’ve loved it. But we’re missing out because a few politicians want to keep their mitts warm. We’ll just have to settle for pumping up the air conditioning while we try to reverse the decision.”

Meanwhile Facebook has called for a mass revolt of Canberra air conditioning repair technicians, so as to force the hand of the local ruling body.

Snowland has declined to comment on the situation.

Excalibur Supposedly Found in Melbourne

sword in stone

sword in stoneA garden landscaper in North Melbourne has uncovered what he believes is the legendary sword Excalibur, after digging a hole in which to plant a boulder.

Jensen Moran, who was completing landscaping work involving digging a number of holes, claims to have happened upon the sword, buried in wooden chest. An initial picture posted on Moran’s Facebook profile quickly went viral, with Moran claiming to have found the legendary Excalibur.

“It’s obvious, how the legend goes,” says Moran, who in addition to his landscaping work has also named himself a master of Arthurian legends. “Arthur relinquished the sword to the Lady of the Lake, who was to keep it safe until his return. A few more obscure legends then tell of how she moved to Australia, due to it being warmer, and hid the sword somewhere in Victoria. It all makes perfect sense.”

The sword itself has been identified as a medieval relic, possibly over 1000 years old and in extremely good condition. Antique experts have stated that the blade itself could be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, regardless of whether it is actually the legendary sword Excalibur.

Opinions online have been polarised, with some staunchly maintaining that it is indeed the legendary weapon while others disagree.

“They’re only disagreeing because I’m a landscaper,” said Moran in response. “My areas of expertise are retaining walls, tree formations and driveway resurfacing. Well, I’m here to prove them wrong.”

Moran lost several followers after his dramatic tweet declaring his intention to vanquish his enemies and take his place as the rightful king of England, but still retains a fairly strong base of loyalists.

Meanwhile, orders for landscape designers in Melbourne North have greatly increased as homeowners search for other valuable historical items.

Sewer to be Converted to Theme Park

underground

undergroundThe renovations to the suburb of Eastglen are set to receive international attention after the establishment of the world’s first completely underground theme park.

The move has been announced to be a result of Melbourne blocked sewer technicians who have noted the unusually well-preserved nature of the underground system. Though it is currently unused, the space was recently purchased from the city council by an unknown buyer, who announced plans to convert the space into a fully-functional underground theme park.

“It’s a very exciting step for Eastglen,” says Mayor Sun Stovens. “Not only have we revived an entire community, but we’ve also been given this opportunity to put this suburb on the map. I’d like to ask everyone to be patient with the workmen as we complete this massive project.”

Several more drain specialists have been contracted to investigate the vast underground space, the extent of which has never been reliably mapped. An estimated 100 rooms exist beneath Eastglen, with most of these connected by a series of tunnels. The complex was built in the 1950s but sparsely used, and have since laid abandoned. The sewers have also been the source of a great deal of local legends and have been explored by ghost hunters on numerous occasions.

The buyer of the sewers remains anonymous, though a mock-up version of what the new theme park will look like has been released on social media. The plans include a theatre, pool, numerous simulators and also a museum aspect, along with a roller-coaster designed to operate within the confined space of the tunnels.

“It’s pretty much in perfect condition,” says Melbourne sewer repair expert Giles Nodfrey, “Since the sewers were never used, and the whole place was sealed off, there’s barely any damage. A theme park seemed like a bit of a stretch at first, but it might actually work.”

Safe Performance Receives Mixed Reviews

stage

stageA new stage show has caused controversy amongst audiences, despite rave reviews from critics, for its use of a safe as a dangerous plot device.

The play, entitled ‘Trapped’, features performer Maisie Gracious on stage for only a few minutes, after which she lowers herself into a commercial safe and shuts the lid. Her monologue about the inevitable cages of mankind continues throughout the play, during which unnamed actors take periodic steps to destroy any chance that Gracious has of escaping. These steps have involved destroying keys, smashing the keypad, wrapping the box in chains and damaging the locking mechanism beyond repair. The latest performance even had one of the actors welding the box shut with a blow torch, which delayed the show for days while a method was devised to free Gracious.

The performance uses a variety of Melbourne safes with differing levels of security, but has been criticised by some members of the audience for its blatant disregard to safety.

“I was having palpitations,” says audience member Carol Edgeley. “The way she sealed herself in…it was clear she wasn’t getting out. The program even said so. And she said so. It wasn’t a performance piece; it was awful to watch.”

Despite several audience members fainting or being otherwise incapacitated, Gracious has received almost unanimous praise from critics, who have declared it to be a performance with an abundance of character and real danger.

Melbourne home safe experts have been requested to be on hand in case of emergencies, though Gracious has requested that her performance remain at its current level of danger, so as not to taint the artistic statement.

Lifesaver Dogs to be Introduced

service dogs

service dogsA controversial new policy introduced by the state government has made it possible to own a pool that is not surrounded by a fence, provided that a well-trained rescue animal is roaming the premises.

A new school that trains rescue animals has been established in Melbourne, and initial trials have proved that animals have been trained to serve as a pool fence and companion in one.

“Our animals go through a lengthy training programme,” says trainer Harold Harley, “Right from when they’re born, we designate them as lifesavers. We have dogs, cats, and even a couple of kangaroos.”

The school’s curriculum involves being constantly alert. responding to cries, performing rescue maneuvers and alerting nearby humans, amongst others. Provided that the animal is primarily kept outside, a controversial ruling has seen the abolishment of the need for Melbourne pool fencing if such an animal is owned by a family.

“These are extremely intelligent animals,” said a representative of the state council, “They eliminate the need for fencing, and we’ve been assured that they make wonderful companions. These are the first life-saving animals to be properly trained, and they deserve respect.”

However, opponents to the scheme have expressed opinions that animals are not sufficient and that pool fencing is still necessary. The matter is likely to be taken to the state council later this week, with debate continuing in Melbourne.

“There’s nothing like a pool fence to keep our children safe,” says concerned parent Xiao Chang. “We have a glass pool fence and it makes me feel like my kids are able to run around in the back without falling into the pool. And we’re allergic to fur anyway.”

Carrie’s Cuts: The Novated Lease Demystified

leather seats

leather seatsHi, all!

It’s Carrie here, ready to give you the low-down on the latest news and life in general. I aim to give you proper advice, unlike some people we could mention who rant and think that counts as journalism.

One thing I’ve noticed as of late is how much people talk if you’re suddenly driving around a new car. You can’t hide it; pull up in a new vehicle and it’s all people want to talk about.

I just got a company car, replacing my canary-yellow mirage, and people seem to think I’m suddenly rolling in it. I tell them it’s actually on a novated lease…and I get a lot of blank stares.

So here I am, to explain the infinite mystery of a novated lease! It’s actually quite easy.

So technically, I don’t own my big, shiny car, which is a shame but oh well. It’s still owned by the car leasing people, who are leasing it out to the company…who are leasing it to me, for as long as I’m employed. It’s a three-way agreement. The company are essentially paying for me to lease the car.

So there you go. Now when someone talks about having a company car, you don’t have to keel over in jealousy that this person was such a great employee that they were handed a free car, no questions asked. Sadly, it doesn’t work like that.

Company cars work out great if you can score the deal, though. Sometimes the services and breakdowns are dealt with by the company, as is the insurance, so that takes a weight off your mind. It’s almost always a new vehicle, and it’s in everyone’s interest to make it a safe, efficient vehicle. After all, that’s how you’re getting to work. So you get an efficient, new car, and it might not be yours to keep forever but it’s still a great asset to have at the time.

Oh, and employers might want to look up a car leasing calculator, since they’re the ones who’ll be working out all the finances.

So there you have it! If you’re ever offered a company car, I’d highly recommend it. Just try not to spill anything on the seats.

Thanks for reading Carrie’s Cuts!!

Carrie’s Cuts: Talking Trash

bin man

bin manHi, all!

Carrie here, and I have something a bit trashy to talk about today. Not quite as trashy as anything penned by Briella, but we can’t all be junk machines.

No, I’m trash-talking…literally. I’ve been researching a story on rubbish removals in Canberra for quite a while now, and it involves people not using their rubbish services in the way they should.

Hard rubbish shouldn’t be that…hard. You lay out whatever you’d like gone, sticking to the distance limitations, and make sure there’s not anything dangerous being picked up. Open your fridge doors and that’s about it.

And yet, there are so many stories of plain old abuse of the system. One terrible family left out a basket of live kittens, apparently believing that they were a legitimate item for collection. People have left out all kinds of things, from sacks of toxic waste to elderly relatives, and it’s just so wrong. Our rubbish collection services shouldn’t be abused in this way. In fact, we should be grateful to live in a country where rubbish collection is plentiful and efficient. Instead, as people are wont to do, we’re using it in the wrong way.

Look, here’s the bottom line…wise up. Do your research, contact who you need to contact, ask your specialised rubbish collection service. It really shouldn’t be that hard. The crucial thing to remember is that hazardous materials probably don’t qualify. Other big no-nos include anything alive, or anything that was once alive. Also, you should avoid building the rubbish pile to heaven, as well as taking up the entire nature strip. It probably won’t be taken.

Canberra hard rubbish collection technicians shouldn’t have to put up with people who refuse to even check the website for information. So think before you get rubbish removed, people!

Thanks for reading Carrie’s Cuts!